6 Years of Absence - Lost.

This last week has been rather huge for me as I returned to the UK for the first time in 6 years. I wasn't at all sure what to expect and that is an understatement. Mixed emotions.

One of the biggest things that this week has highlighted for me is that I have absolutely no clue at all as to where I belong. I feel like a fish out of water in the UK and even my husband who has been desperately awaiting this trip has found it much weirder than he expected to be back. Being away from the water apparently makes me claustrophobic and architecture, infrastructure and societal norms that I grew up with are now completely and utterly foreign to me. It seems incomprehensible to me that I was once here or that I may have aspired for a lifestyle that so many possess.

Friends that I have reunited with have all been welcoming, kind and curious about my life. I have marvelled at everyone's certainty about their direction; where to live, what to do, their position in 10 years time. It amazes me to hear and see evidence of such certainty and I am in awe of this as it is something I lack. My current lifestyle is something nearly everyone I have spoken with cannot fully comprehend and it is the same in reverse. I literally have no clue how they do it.

I have the had the following questions posed to me recently:

1. Do you like where you live? That depends on the day.

2. Where are you going to go next? No clue. Somewhere in Asia?

3. Where do you want to live? Haven't the foggiest.

4. How does your husband like China? Don't ask.

5. Will you keep teaching internationally? Yes.

6. Do you think you will come back to the UK? No, sorry.

The thing that I find most disconcerting is that I really don't have any clue where I'm going or more worryingly that I don't know where I do want to go. I also feel that I have entered into the cycle which I carefully avoided following working at Summer Camp in the USA. In the case of Camp this was working at camp for the Summer, a little travel after, ski season working in Canada, travel and back to camp. The cycle can be repeated again and again and again and you can easily avoid a "real" job. Now I am working overseas on a contract and then probably entering into a cycle of contract after contract after contract, does this mean I'll never stop? Have I entered that vicious cycle? I thoroughly blame Camp for my perpetually itchy feet.

So, in conclusion this last week has shown me that despite the fact that I am very certain about where I am currently and what I am doing I am completely without a decent long term plan and the word "home" for me is where ever my husband is, even if he isn't too thrilled about the location.